Permission to Live Again

I have missed races, trips, special events, goals, and celebrations. Friends, family, and acquaintances wonder to themselves, while others just come out and ask…where is Tanesh? The easy answer would be, she’s home with her baby, and no one would question it. It would be simple and true, but would it be honest?

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined what took place a few months ago. That it would be my daughter in the CICU, my daughter having major heart surgery, my daughter being denied health insurance.

According to the CDC Congenital Heart Defects affect nearly 1% of (or about 40,000) births annually in the United States.

Nothing could have prepared me for this.

To say it’s been a difficult pill to swallow would be an understatement. The circumstances surrounding Ivy’s heart condition consumed me. Although I managed to function day to day, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and wondering what would happen to me, if it ever did. Every follow up appointment, I relived the devastation, over and over again.

It wasn’t until our last visit to Ivy’s specialist that I was able to exhale. We were told that, Ivy still has some minimal obstructions of the heart, but she does not need another surgery at this time; treat her like a ‘normal baby’. Leaving that appointment, I felt like I had finally come up for air. I texted my family and friends “I can breathe!” No one knew the depth of that statement. I desperately needed to hear this news. It gave me hope. It was permission to start living again.

To all of my fellow heart mommas in the thick of it, you’ve got this, even when you don’t feel like it. You have been graced for this. There are days that will hit you like a ton of bricks, and other days that will make your heart smile as you watch your heart warrior thrive. Allow yourself to feel all of it, hold onto what brings you peace and release what doesn’t.

So where is Tanesh now? I’m giving myself permission to live again. I am working out again, making plans again, decorating again, planning parties again, smiling again, and showing up as best I can.

I don’t know where this road will lead, but I would love for you to continue with us. Ivy Foster may be little, but she is mighty and well loved.